Nonnuetered Noodles: A Not so Epic Adventure
by meus carus
Summary: for Cannibal's Contest. Emmett drags Bella into an adult store and discovers penis pasta. Bella suffers for it.


A/N: This is for daddy's little cannibals contest. Emmett drags Bella into an adult store and discovers penis pasta. bella suffers for it. enjoy :)

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It's always bad when Emmet begins thinking, and today was so exception. We were now standing in front of a shady little store named _Bump 'n' Grind. _I'm pretty sure my face resembled the shiny red of the sports car not far from us. He couldn't be serious! He's forced me into some pretty humiliating things but _this_? And then he had the nerve to start dragging me toward it!

"No Emmet! I am _not _going in there!" I tried my best to dig my heels into the concrete but the only result was that of my rubber grinding off of my shoe.

"Come on Bella! Just five minutes. Who knows, you might find something you like." He turned and gave me that grin. The grin that predicted very bad and very embarrassing things in my near future. The stupid grin that clarified that I had no choice in the matter; that didn't mean I was going to cooperate. The inside was even more horrid than the out. Posters of people in outrageous costumes coated the walls; the posters of simply naked people were less embarrassing than the dressed ones! Holy Crow the mannequins! Tiny little undergarments adorned them along with latex outfits and cowgirl...things. I made a V-line for the door but Emmett's hand was still around my wrist. I tugged but I doubted he felt my efforts at all. I resorted to looking at the white canvas tips of my brand new shoes-courtesy of Alice.

I kept my head down as we walked. All I could thankfully see was the vibrant pink carpet we treaded; what kind of a store had pink carpet? Oh, right. We stopped walking but I kept my head down, afraid to acknowledge the scenery of our new location.

"Bella look!" I heard the sound of dull rattling and foolishly looked at what Emmett was shaking. My eyes widened and with the strain I was pretty sure they were as red as my face. _Phallic Phun Pasta?_Oh no no no..._Non-neutered Noodles? _"You can eat this stuff right?" Emmett seriously didn't know what pasta was. It was going to stay that way.

"No."

"Sure you can! It says here it's all natural, no additives." Emmett flipped the two boxes back and forth reading every detail. "What are additives anyway?"

"It doesn't matter Emmett." Please stop asking questions...

"Why not?"

"Because the last thing _you_ need is _more_ information!" My little outburst had drawn the attention of the current occupants of the store. As if_ I _should be the one put out! Emmett started pulling us towards the cash register, a box of _Non-neutered Noodles_ in tow. "What are you doing!?"

"Checking out, duh. Keep up Bella." He was _not_ serious! That pasta wasn't going anywhere near _my_ kitchen! I begged and graveled for him to put them back. I even tried to snatch them away-which only resulted in my ramming my head into the corner of the box. No luck.

This was going to be very _bad_.

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The first thing I did was throw the mortifying box of pasta in the trash. No one needed to know that ever happened. The second thing I tried to do was run up the stairs. I nearly made it but I tumbled on the top step and landed on ice. I opened my eyes to find topaz gems sparkling back at me. Sparkles of laughter most likely.

I couldn't control the slow smile when I realized he was back from hunting early. "Edward, you're back."

"It's a good thing too. You obviously can't be left unsupervised." He grinned back at me-laughter in his eyes. I huffed and straightened myself.

"I need a human minute." He pecked my forehead and watched me walk to my bedroom to get my bag and head toward the bathroom. It was a little early for a shower but I needed to cleanse my aura after _Bump 'n' Grind_. The hot water helped-but nothing could erase my memory of the day's events. When I was done I redressed in a fresh pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Charlie would be home any minute and I needed to make dinner.

Before I even made it down the stairs I could smell spaghetti sauce heating up. Edward must me making dinner but where did he get pasta? As soon as I arrived in the kitchen Edward interrupted his stirring to wrap his arms around me and offer me a gentle kiss. That's when I noticed the pasta box on the counter...oh no.

"Ed..Edward?" My voice stuttered and I stepped closer to the box.

"Yes, love?" He was completely oblivious.

"Did you happen to notice what kind of noodles you used?" I sounded weak and panicked-as I should be. Edward offered only a confused expression and examined the noodles currently boiling on the stove top. His eyes widened in comprehension.

"I'm so sorry Bella." Just then I could hear Charlie's cruiser pull in. My face was growing hotter by the second. What do I do now!?

"Hey Bells! Smells great. Spaghetti?" Oh no! He was in the kitchen!

"Um, yea dad. Why are you not in the mood for it? I could make something else. I..." I didn't get to complete my rambling though.

"No Bells, Spaghetti sounds great." And so, with the butterflies in my stomach beginning to do acrobatic flying tricks, I loaded the phallic-shaped noodles onto Charlie's plate and quickly did the same for myself. I also prepared a plate for Edward-he needed to suffer for what he's done to me! Both Edward's ( and Charlie's) eye twitched when they noticed three plates instead of two. I brought Edward his first, put mine in my usual spot, and-a little shakily-served Charlie his. We all began to eat in silence, well me and Charlie, Edward just shuffled his around. "New kind of pasta Bella? It's really good." And I could tell by his pleased expression he meant it. "Weird shape though, they remind me of something...but I just can't seem to remember. Well it's good anyway." Charlie finished his meal in silence, stood up and cleaned his plate. He started to head towards the living room but not before giving us a heads up that he would be keeping an eye on us and Edward was to leave by nine o'clock sharp.

Edward started to get up but I wasn't going to let him go that easily. "Edward?" The frantic look on his face was worthwhile. "Eat your food."

"Yes, love." He began to shove the "dirt" into his mouth, the spaghetti really was good.

"And tell Emmett to get some more of those noodles, they're actually really tasty!"

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A/N: there ya go. love it hate it? Let me know ;)


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